FML笑话选（1）

Today, I was late for an interview. Going into the elevator, a man ran up to the doors but since I was late, I pressed the"close" button. When I arrived to the office, the secretary asked me to wait. The boss walked in to interview me. The man whose face I closed the elevator doors on. FML
今天我去参加一场面试，当我刚进电梯后一个男的冲了过来，我已经有点迟到了，于是强行把门关上了。到了面试地点后，接待的秘书让我等一会，接着面试官进来了，就是被我关在门外那哥们。FML

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said"...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said,"I'm 28." FML
今天我在车祸现场抢救伤员，一个妇女受伤后不停的哭，问她啥也不说。我通过对讲机向医院报告情况“伤者为30岁左右妇女，10分钟后到达”，那女的突然吼道“老娘今年才28！”FML

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her"it's nice to see you." My son says"but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML
今天我前妻让我过去帮她修电脑，我带了7岁的儿子一起去。在路上，我不断向儿子抱怨我多么恨我的前妻，但是我不想表现的很没素质。到了她家后，我优雅的说，见到你很高兴。儿子在旁边突然接话说，你刚才不是还说让她去死吗？FML  

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as"you don't want to turn out like this." FML
今天我发现有个朋友用我的照片作为激励他的工具！照片下面写了行字：再不努力，你就是这样的下场！FML

Today, I started the day at my local Starbucks. I was greeted with smiles from everyone I made eye contact with and left the store feeling really good about myself. I got home and checked myself out in the mirror, only to realize I had cut myself shaving and my neck was covered in dried blood. FML
今天我在星巴克喝咖啡，发现我今天的回头率超高，我也报以他们优雅的微笑，感觉棒极了。回家后我才发现，早上刮胡子时候划破了脖子，现在还残留着血迹呢。FML      

Today, I was falling asleep on my desk, my head on my fist. My elbow slipped off the edge of the desk and I punched myself, leaving a fist mark on my cheek. At school, people think my parents hit me. My parents think I'm getting bullied at school. No one believes the actual story. FML
今天我趴在桌子上睡着了，脸枕在拳头上，睡着睡着胳膊肘从桌上滑下去了，结果把脸给磕肿了，留下一个拳头印。后来上学的时候，大家都以为我父母打了我，回家后，爸妈以为我在学校和别人打架了，就是没人相信我真是自己磕的。FML

Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML
今天，我驱车600公里去参加我男友叔叔的葬礼，我男友本来不让我去，因为我怀有7个月的身孕，但是我想给他个惊喜。当我到了时，不知道到底谁更惊喜，是他，他老婆，还是他们的几个孩子。FML

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend"You're kidding, right?" FML
今天，我一个朋友安排我去相亲，对方是一个及其丑陋恶心的家伙，但我还是决定给他一个机会互相了解下。那哥们看见我后，仔细打量了半天，对我朋友说“就她？你耍我吧？”FML

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML
今天我儿子偷偷开了我的新车去兜风，他先是撞在一颗树上，倒车时碰到了电线杆，最后一头扎向了邻居的车。FML

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML
今天是我和男朋友的周年纪念日，我驱车三个半小时去给他个惊喜，结果他不在家？这小子死哪去了？原来他也跑去我家准备给我惊喜了。FML  

Today, I was babysitting a really annoying kid who wouldn't listen to me, and threw his food through the kitchen, so I punished him. When his mother came home he ran to her and said,"Mommy, mommy, it's not true what you told me, fat people are NOT nice!" FML
今天我帮别人照看一个特别淘气的小孩，他一点都不听话，把东西扔的到处都是，我忍无可忍就推了他一把。后来他妈妈回来时他哭着冲过去说“妈妈你骗我！胖子其实也很凶！”FML

Today, I got to my apartment early after being out really late the night before. Maybe next time I should call ahead of time so that my roommate has time to sneak my girlfriend out of his bedroom. FML
今天，在外面待了一夜后，我早早的回到了宿舍。我想下次回去前我应该先给室友打个电话。这样我的女朋友就可以提前从他房里溜走不被我撞见。FML

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say"Yes she did." FML
今天，我去家庭问题辅导中心接受辅导，我告诉辅导人说，我觉得是我害的爸妈离婚了。辅导人和蔼的告诉我说，这并不是我的错，这时我妈突然冒出一嗓子“没错，就是怨她！”FML

Today, I finally got my paycheck from working at my minimum wage job for the last three months. I was delighted when I saw it was worth$846. On my way to cash it, I destroyed my car's suspension. It's going to cost almost$800 to fix. FML
今天，我终于领到了前三个月的救济金：846刀。在赶着去兑现的路上，我把车的悬挂给颠坏了，修好差不多要800刀。FML

Today, I bought an Itunes giftcard worth$50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML
今天，买了张itunes充值卡，50刀的。很兴奋的用剪刀刮密码上的那一层，结果连密码一起刮掉了。FML

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML
今天开车上班的时候，发现旁边有辆车上坐着位帅哥。我假装打手机趁机偷瞄他，结果被开了罚单，因为警察以为我真的是在开车时候打手机。FML

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML
今天我起的太早了，就在车上打了个盹，醒来时发现有个警察在盯着我看。后来才知道有个女停车时发现了我，她马上报了警因为她以为我死了。FML

Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted"I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I'liked' it and commented"Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying"I didn't mean you." FML
今天，我觉得自己又肥又丑，不禁伤心极了。后来我登陆FACEBOOK后，看到男朋友留言“我的女朋友是世界上最美丽的”，我感动极了，在下面评论到“谢谢你，亲爱的！”结果他留言道“我说的又不是你”。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were fighting. I started crying and he went to wipe away my tears. Eventually, I noticed that he kept brushing over the same spot on my cheek, like he was trying to remove something. I had to tell him it was a zit. FML
今天我和男朋友大吵了一架，我伤心的大哭，他吓坏了不停地帮我擦眼泪。过了一会我发现他试图擦掉我脸上的一个东西，我平静的告诉他那是我长的青春痘。FML

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML
今天是我大喜的日子。婚宴上我深情的讲诉我和妻子第一次见面的情景，我对她一见钟情，认定她就是我今生的伴侣。正在这时我发现妻子突然发飙了，这才意识到我讲的是我和前任女友的故事，而且她当时也在宾客队伍里。FML

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the"prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had"loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said,"Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML
今天，我参加了一个朋友组织的抽奖游戏，其中一个奖品是我之前送给她的礼物，当时她好喜欢。我问她这东西怎么来的，她不屑一顾的说：“不知道哪个SB送我的。”天啊！她连是我送的都忘了！FML

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML
今天，和我交往了5年的男友开始和我冷战，他一句话也不说，仅仅是怒视着我。知道原因吗？因为我和他最好的朋友上床了，不过是在他昨晚的梦里发生的。FML

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML
今天我在看报纸时看到我前夫的再婚消息，还有他和妻子合影。碰巧的是，新娘的名字和我一样。我FACEBOOK的朋友都在谈论这件事，他们说我减肥非常成功，在照片上看起来美极了。FML

Today, my son's hamster died. It was overweight and got stuck in its plastic tube. My 6 year old son came downstairs to me smashing a plastic tube with a dead hamster in it on the kitchen table. He thinks I killed it. FML
今天我儿子的宠物仓鼠死了，它长的太肥了结果卡死在一根塑料管子里。我正在敲打塑料管想把它弄出来时，被我儿子看见了，他以为是我把仓鼠弄死的。FML

Today, there was an earthquake. Good news: the only damage was a tree fell on some losers car. Bad news: that loser was me. FML
今天发生了地震！幸运的是：没有人员伤亡，仅仅有棵树倒了砸烂了一辆车。不幸的是：那辆车是我的。FML

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML
今天，我躺在床上做着发财的白日梦，我的室友过来给了我屁股两巴掌，问题在于屋子里光线很暗，他没看清我当时是仰卧着的。FML

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML
今天，我追了好几年的女孩终于给了我她的电话号码！我鼓足了勇气给她打了个电话，结果接电话的是自杀心理辅导热线。FML  

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML
今天吃饭的时候，我妹妹坐在我旁边剪脚指甲，我警告她滚远点，结果说话的时候一片指甲弹到我嘴里了。FML

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML
今天在医院填表格，有“紧急联系人”一栏，我提笔想了半天，发现身边竟然没有个真正关心我的人。FML

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML
今天，我正做饭。我弯腰下去预热炉子下方的烤箱，结果我把胸部浸到滚滚的开水里了。我还有个儿子正在母乳喂养。FML

Today, I brought my car into the dealers to get fixed. The drivers side was letting a lot of air in and I thought something was wrong with the door. I paid$50 for them to roll up the window. FML
今天，我把车弄到经销商那去修。驾驶位那漏风，我怀疑是车门有点问题。最后我花了50美金，就为了他们把车窗给摇上。FML

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML
今天，我在楼下杂货店买点香蕉，一个老婆婆走过来，开始摸我的肚子。她只是问我啥时候生。我是个43岁的纯爷们，有个啤酒肚。FML

Today, I left my room to take a quick shower. When I came back, I found out that my roommate had locked the door. She also left for the entire weekend. I had to wait in a towel for someone to get the RA to unlock my door for twenty minutes as the whole floor laughed their asses off. FML
今天，我离开房间去冲个凉，等我回来的时候，发现我舍友把门给锁了，而且她整个周末都不回来。我只能挂个浴巾等着让别人去找个助教来开门，20分钟，整层楼都笑翻了几个个儿了，我就是这么度过的。FML.

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML
今天，我醒来时发现我的脸又红又胀。原来是我吃了一个多星期的一种药给闹的。只有在极少情况下才会引起皮肤发红。我真高兴我太特别了。FML

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML
今天，我喝饮料的时候忽然觉得如果试试能一口含多少很过瘾，正当快到极限的时候，打了个喷嚏。当时我在饭馆里。FML

Today, I took my SUV in to get the oil changed, and the tires rotated. They allowed me to stay there, because they said it would only take 30 minutes. So I sit there in the waiting room, and I look through the window only to see my SUV falling off the lift, from 6 feet in the air. FML
今天，很开心的去保养我的SUV，店里的人也很热情的让我在那里，说立等可取。结果我看到心爱的车从升降台上掉下来了，有三米高。FML

Today, my son's teacher tells me that I should take my son to the doctor because he has been complaining of bad headaches. They run some tests and after twenty minutes she tells me something is blocking his sinus. Out comes a peanut that's been lodged in his nose for months. FML
今天，我儿子班主任反映说我儿子经常头痛，在经过一番仔细的检查后，发现他鼻子里堵了一颗花生，都几个月了。FML

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me asking if I would please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she is drunk, and declare her eternal love to him. FML
今天，以前的高中老师打电话来警告我：不要在周末的凌晨两点再骚扰他了。原来我的室友每次喝醉的时候都会用我的电话乱拨，然后说她会永远爱他，擦。FML

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML
今天，在洗手间换T恤的时候，掉地上了，擦。我用脚很帅的把它挑起来，结果我华丽的摔了，头插在马桶里。还没冲的马桶里。FML

Today, I took my iPhone to the Apple store to get an answer as to why the touch screen wasn't working properly. The extremely attractive customer service rep told me I just had to clean off the layer of boogers caked onto the screen and keep my fingers out of my nose from now on. FML
今天，到apple售后去修iphone，因为触摸屏不灵了。客服大美妞告诉我：清理掉上面的一层鼻涕嘎就好了，还有，她建议我以后别老把手指插鼻孔了。FML

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. Her dad has put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML
今天，帮瓷收拾房子，她爸很帅的搭了一个架子，塌了。上面的很多名贵花瓶、收藏品之类的东西。出于本能，我迅速伸手抓了一样——结果TMD是颗大仙人球。FML

Today, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I tried to soothe it with some Ramen, which helped for a while. Later on, I felt worse and threw up the soup. Noodles came out of my nose. FML
今天，我觉得肠胃很不爽，总反胃，就吃了点拉面希望能压住。过了一会儿，没压住，喷了。有面条是从鼻子里出来的。FML

Today, the driver side mirror of my car was smashed off and laying on the ground. On the window was a$75.00 ticket for improper equipment for not having a mirror. FML.
今天，发现车后视镜被挂掉了，掉在地上惨不忍睹，同时还发现车窗上有张75刀的罚单，罚款原因一栏填着“无后视镜，罚款75”。FML  

Today, I was watching a movie with my sister, my roommate, and my girlfriend. Half way through the movie, she left the room and texted me that she was breaking up with me. She then came back in the room, sat on my bed and enjoyed the rest of the movie with us. FML
今天，跟姐姐、室友、女友一起看电影，看一半的时候女友忽然出去了，发了条消息要跟我分手。然后她如释重负的回来，又加入我们把电影看完了。FML

Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML
今天，我被相处四年的男友忽悠，跟他嘿咻了。我本想等到我们结婚时再把第一次献给他呢，可还是被这小子给上了。完事后，他说他不要我了，因为我不再纯真了。FML

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying" I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said"I dont know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
今天俺老公送俺去上班。上班十分钟后收到一短信：“我刚把那贱货送走，亲爱的我这就到，想你”。我回信质问，他却说“Megan你啥意思啊”。我不叫Megan，我的名字跟Megan一点也不一样。FML

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
今天，俺见一爷爷跌倒在斑马线上，赶紧跳下自行车去帮忙。把他搀到路边时，路灯亮。就在这个节骨眼上我才发现俺手机掉到马路上了，已经被几辆车压过。六车道的马路对面，一哥们又偷了俺的自行车。FLM

Today, we had a fire drill in my dorm, and I live on the 7th floor of my building. They shut the elevators down and I had to walk down 14 flights of steps. I shattered my kneecap last week. They turned the alarm off when I got to the first floor. FML
今天，在家呆着忽然火警声响起，出门一看电梯也停了，我就拖着受伤的腿从楼梯上挪下来，到一楼的时候，火警停了。FML

Today, I finished moving to my new apartment that is 45 minutes away from my old one because my workplace would be closer. I then get a phone call from my boss telling me that he will transfer me to another workplace(closer to my old apartment). FML
今天，我终于搬进了45分钟路程外的新公寓，离工作地点近多了。这时老板打电话过来说把我调到新工作地点了，那个JB地方就在旧公寓附近。FML   

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML
今天，我把要是落车里了，备用钥匙在45分钟车程外的宿舍，我风尘仆仆的感到宿舍后，发现宿舍钥匙跟车钥匙是串一起的。跟警卫解释半天后，他告诉我：有学生证就可以让我进去——那个也在钥匙串上。FML

Today, at work, my stomach hurt and I passed gas for relief. Moments later, I discovered that my loose, silent"fart" was actually a wet, sneaky shart. The mess was beyond repair; I had to fake a family emergency and crept out of the office so that my coworkers wouldn't see my obvious crap stain. FML
今天，上班的时候忽然觉得胀气，就爽爽的放了个屁，结果忽然觉得没夹住，这个屁有点湿湿的。我只好假装家里有急事溜出办公室——屁股朝外避免被大家看到。FML

Today, I finally bought my first house. When I was moving around boxes, the doorbell rings and I answer it to find an old guy. He asked me where the old owner was. I told him she moved out. He said he lives in the basement. Nobody told me. FML
今天，我终于买了我的第一套房子，但我正在整理盒子的时候，门铃响了，我去开门发现了个老头，他问我先前的所有者哪去了。我告诉他，她搬出去了。他说他是住在地下室的。但没人告诉我这个。FML

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML
今天，我有一场生小孩的戏，为了让剧情更真实，结果因为用力，我在舞台上拉粑粑了。FML

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML
今天，发现单位来了俩实习的大美妞。我立刻装出一副绅士的样子过去搭讪，不到5分钟他们跟我就混熟了，还跟我打听“咱单位有没有帅哥啊”FML

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML
今天，我男友打电话给我说希望我晚上到他那去过夜。我决定为他穿上我最性感的内衣，我挑了个情趣护士制服穿上了，然后开车去了他家。我自己进了大门——40个我们最亲密的朋友都在盯着我——他们想给我办个生日大趴。FML

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say"Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML
今天，在超市无聊的排队中，忽然看到有个少妇抱个小杯必，我忍不住跑过去说“呦！小朋友真可爱”。结果人家抱的是个椰子。FML

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were,"I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML
今天，我的大儿子居然接了我的电话！要知道我们一年都没说过话了。结果他第一句是这么说的“我接错了”，然后挂了。FML

Today, I stopped at the light when someone crashed on to my motorcycle making me fall. The guy claimed it was my fault because I stopped too fast. I got really mad, so I attempted to spit on his face and was ready to start a fight when I noticed that I forgot to lift the helmet shield. FML
今天，我停着我的摩托车在等红灯，这时候，后面有人追我的尾把我撞倒在地。那个人还怪我刹车太急了。我擦，老子被你撞了不道歉就罢了还来怪我。所以，我狠吐了一口猛痰，准备和那个2B干一架。我擦，我忘记我还带着头盔了。FML

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in$7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML
今天，一个2B顾客拿来了整整7刀的一分一毛的硬币，我数得都要数吐了。最后终于搞定了，我把那些硬币卷起来放到现金箱子里面。在我和同事换班的时候，打翻了。FML

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read,"To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML
今天，我男友给我买了一对非常贵重的钻石耳坠，一起送给我的还有张卡片，上面写着：“给我那美丽的棕色眼睛的公主”我耳朵根本就没穿耳洞，而且我的眼睛是绿色的。FML

Today, at work, I noticed that my hand smelled really bad. I thought it was some new merchandise I was putting out until I realized that there was some poo in my fingernail from when I took a crap earlier that day. FML
今天，工作的时候，我注意到我的手有股怪味道。我一直以为这是那些新的商品的味道。下班以后我才意识到那个味道来自我的指甲，那个是我之前大便的时候弄上去的。FML

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there- straight through work the next day. FML
今天，我在走廊里面醒来。我昨天晚上吃了一片安眠药，为了是睡个好觉今天好精神百倍地工作。结果这个安眠药药效太强了，在去床上的路上我就睡过去了，跌在走廊里面，两颗大门牙也磕掉了。我就在那一直睡到今天。。。FML

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a"documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML
今天，为了配合一个纪录片的拍摄，我在一棵树上面装猴子。结果树枝断了，我从树上摔了下来，砸在了我们大学校长的宝马车上。。。在我苏醒之前，这断视频就被传到了facebook上。。。FML

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML
今天，住在我楼上3层的那个女人的前男友来了，他不满那个女人把他甩了，于是他把她的车胎给扎了。为了不让别人怀疑，他把她的车的前后两辆的胎也一起扎了。我的就车停到她的车的后面。。。FML

Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts"Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML
今天，我请一个我喜欢的女孩子去同学聚会。聚会结束后，我带她回家和我家人一起吃晚饭。我弟弟问她我和她到底是恋人还是普通朋友。她脱口而出“只是普通朋友！”然后他们就开始打情骂俏了，当时我和他们一起还在那个房间里面。FML

Today, my ex said"I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said"Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said"I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been"best friends" since middle school. FML
今天，我前男友第一次对我说“我爱你”，我很得意说对他说：“不好意思，你太迟了！”我前男友很不高兴地看着我说：”我是对他说的！“，同时指着我现在的男友。原来他们从高中开始就是”恋人“了。。。FML

Today, I finally plucked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of 7 months. I took her out to the park where we had our first kiss, I got down on one knee, and before I could say"Will you marry me" a bird shat on my head. FML
今天，我终于鼓足勇气向我交往了7个月的女友求婚。我把她带到我们初吻的那个公园，我单膝跪地，深情款款地望着她。就在我要说“你愿意嫁给我吗”之前，一坨鸟屎从天而降，刚好掉在我的头上，铺开了。。。FML

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML
今天，我在路上被堵了2个小时，肯定又迟到了，我心情糟透了！下车后在匆匆走向办公楼的时候，我看到地上有张100刀的钞票在飞舞。我赶紧捡起来，就当是这么没糟的一天的一点回报，有人还在后面喊我说是他的钱呢，我才不管呢。后面那个人是我的boss，是的，我被开了。FML

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML
今天，我是第一次开车，我老妈对我说她决定相信我的技术，坐我的车完全没问题。当我们真的坐到车里以后，她立马就惊慌失措，大喊大叫起来说什么我们肯定要出车祸。我连引擎都还没打着呢！FML

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML
今天，我男友要出发和他的朋友们进行一个为期一个月的旅行。我倚在门边，等待着他临走前来吻我。实际情况是，他吻了他的XBOX。。。FML   

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats(my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML
今天，我和朋友开车3个小时去听U2的演唱会。我们这周都在期待着这场音乐会，因为我们的票的位置超棒（那是我早些时候的圣诞节礼物）。长途旅程以后，我们终于到了体育场，然后我意识到我把票落家里面了。。。FML

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML
今天，我在酒吧里面喝得烂醉。我去洗手间小便，完了以后我准备拉上拉链的时候，我发现我根本就没把拉链拉下来。。。FML

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML
今天，我丈夫来到公司，给我送来一大束鲜花，还有个信封庆祝我们结婚纪念日。我开打信封发现里面是一只套套。我太高兴了，我跑过去把办公室门锁好，然后就和丈夫在办公桌上面XX了，真的好浪漫啊！我们正在进行中的时候，我发现，我一直压在内部通话的按钮上面。。。FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the$2.00 box. FML
今天，我男友约我出去到一个我们从来没去过的餐厅吃饭。吃饭的时候，他突然走到我旁边，单膝下跪，手里面捧着一个小盒子，深情款款地看着我。他打开了那个盒子。里面不是戒指，而是一个小纸条，上面写着“我们分手吧！”然后，他就直接走了。留给了我账单还有1个价值2刀的小盒子。FML

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML
今天，我出去遛狗。像往常一样，它在草丛里面拉屎，然后走到一边去了。我蹲下来，准备用袋子把它的粪便装起来扔掉。这时，它看到另外的一条狗狗，很兴奋地高声叫着就朝那只狗冲了过去。我被狗绳拽倒在地，脸正好对着狗屎。FML

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML
今天，我在一边咬着笔一边听老师讲课。突然，“啪”的一声，我咬得太狠了，笔好像被我咬坏了。我捡起笔来一看，它好好的。原来是我的一颗大门牙挂了。班里所有人，包括老师，都看到了。。。FML

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML
今天，我在一场考试中。我一边咬着钢笔一边思考着题目。一不小心我把墨水吸到嘴里面了，但是考试不允许中途退场，我只能坐在考场里面，伸着我的蓝舌头，用着时而断水的钢笔继续剩下一个小时的考试。FML

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happeneing. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML
今天，我负责照看我侄儿。我们决定玩“躲猫猫”游戏，先是我躲。我躲起来等了很久也不见他人来，就出来看看咋回事。我发现他把所有的门都锁上了，一个人躲在厨房吃饼干。。。FML

Today, I was paying for coffee and accitentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. Walking home, I realised that is the closest I have been to getting laid in two years. FML
今天，我在付咖啡钱的时候无意中碰到了收银小姑娘的手。在回家的路上，我意识到刚才是我两年以来和女人最亲密的接触。FML

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxes he pooped in. FML
今天，我在男友房间里面和他聊天，我穿着他的大裤衩。他告诉我说有一次他拉肚，但是他被堵在路上，不得以，就直接“扑哧”拉在裤子里面了。我问他怎么会突然想到这个。他说他那次就是穿的这个大裤衩。FML

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML
今天，我在人行道上面晕倒了，当我醒来的时候，我还躺在人行道上面，人们从我身上跨来跨去，我的手提包还不见了。FML

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML
今天，我女儿身体不舒服，她吐在了地板上。当我在清理她的呕吐物的时候，她又吐了，吐在我的头上，两次！FML